coming home

where is it? 

Is it kansas city, where I was born and raised?  where my family lives and loves me?
Is it houston, where we just returned from?  the place where michael and I started our own family.  where we made our way together as a young couple, seeking out God and like minded believers.  where we made our first, F-named babies, and where we asked and started to ask the questions about what kind of work we want to do with our lives?  
Or is home, where I sit right now on the couch in Fayetteville?  the place where I am.  a place where God has reminded me that wherever I am, He is here with me, and that He loves me, and that He is faithful, and He answers my prayers as soon as He hears them. 

In a season of uncertainty about where we will live and where i should sign up my oldest son for little league this summer - I am reminded that my home is not here.  it is not a city, not a house, not even my family.  I will not ever feel truly at home until I reach Zion.  Until I meet my maker face to face - the one who knows the dirtiest parts of me, the one who saw and remembers all, but has the grace and love to forgive me of it all.  He will be there when I arrive.  And though i don't know what kind of reception I will receive - will i fall on my face before Him?  Will He be seated in a holy and amazing throne - so far above me?  Will Jesus be at his side and say, "She's okay, she's with me." ? Or will i come to Zion in tears for all that have missed and messed up, and someone will be there to put their arms around me and tell me it is okay, it is over, and now i am Home.

I am not certain how judgement works.  i am not certain - or even remotely certain about where this home is, or who else will be there.  I don't know what it will look like, but i know it will be perfect.  By the blood of my Lord, it will be perfected.  is that to churchy for you?  well so be it.  Today begins Lent.  and it should not be about me so much during this time, but much more about Him.  So churchy it is today. 

Before he was crucified, Jesus said:

"Do not let your hearts be troubled.  Trust in God; trust also in me.  In my Father's house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you.  I am going there to prepare a place for you.  And if i go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you may be where I am."  John 14:1-3

I don't know much about where my home will be next year.  But I know that there is a home for me in heaven.  It is my Father's house, it has many rooms, and I have a reservation on the guest list. 

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my dear friend sent me a book of Daily Lenten readings.  It is called, "Show Me the Way" by Henri Nouwen.  A brief biography of him can be found here. 
Today's reading for Ash Wednesday struck me as perfect.  I am not sure about how to approach Lent this year, but I think this is a good place to start. 

"God's mercy is greater than our sins.  There is an awareness of sin that does not lead to God but rather to self-preoccupation.  Our temptation is to be so impressed by our sins and failings and so overwhelmed by our lack of generosity that we get stuck in a paralyzing guilt.  It is the guilt that says: "I am too sinful to deserve God's mercy."  It is the guilt that leads to introspection instead of directing our eyes to God.  It is the guilt that has become an idol and therefore a form of pride.  Lent is the time to break down this idol and to direct our attention to our loving Lord.  The question is:  "are we like Judas, who was so overcome by his sin that he could not believe in God's mercy any longer and hanged himself, or are we like Peter who returned to his Lord with repentance and cried bitterly for his sins?"  The season of Lent, during which winter and spring struggle with each other for dominance, helps us in a special way to cry out for God's mercy."