processing

when the going gets tough - the tough get going. 

what about the not-so tough?  i'll tell you what the not-so tough do.  they bake cookies when they should be packing, they stare at their hair, and look at patios on pinterest, and stay up late at night watching movies they don't care about.

it is moving time.

again.

i am writing because i am paralyzed in this in-between time.  every part of my body drags towards this change.  not because i do not like kansas city, not because i do not love my family and friends that i actually have there.  in fact, i am thrilled - deep deep down about those things.  but it is the surface i am living with today.  day to day.  it is the unknown home, the unknown church, the unknown community that i long for and need in my walk with Jesus.  It is those things that are supposed to be in my control to find and figure out - but i am praying instead, not feeling yet released to make big decisions until we arrive there.

it is the packing of my things - that I do not know when i will see them again, or where?  it is leaving a precious group of people and a town that i love.  a place that God has been good to me.  
it has been a long time since we have lived in kansas city, and I am grieving the loss of another sweet place in our family's life. 

so i wait.  and i sit.  and i stare.  and i clean my car instead of packing boxes.  i feel like the king in the Lord of the Rings: the Two Towers.  you know the one who is under the dark spell?  and he is on the throne, but all gray and drooly, and just kind of grunting and moaning.  that is kind of how i feel right now. 

but then Gandolf the White comes in - just like the Holy Spirit has today - and bam!  there is light.

in my moping and grunting about the house, i was able to utter a small prayer in the shower this morning.  "Jesus.  come and help me.  take away these feelings of darkness and show your power." (or it was something like that)

and immediately and gradually, all at once, I am reminded this morning that God is Here.  that God is good.  that He is not taking me to a new place, just to leave me on my own.  He goes before me and behind me.  We have prayed and prayed and sought His wisdom and His plan for our lives and this is clearly where He has led us.  He will not leave me alone.  He will not quit working out his plan for our family.

So now, my friends, i am smiling, and it is for real this time.  i can pack for this camping trip tonight with a new attitude.  We are not alone.  I can chose to be discouraged, or i can chose to have joy.  Today i will have joy.  Tomorrow, i may find myself back in the pit, but i will not fear, because i know that i will get out again.  My Lord is not going to leave me there.  He never has.