He is trying to tell me something

Monday and tuesday might just have been two of the worst days put together that I have had in ages.  not because anything went wrong.  i have had plenty of rough days in recent history, and that is not what i am talking about.  I am talking about seriously dark, yucky, weird stuff.  Feelings of panic, and feeling unable to cope with my home and my kids kind of stuff.  feeling like those people look on the "depression hurts" commercials. 

last night, however, God was good - and He shone His beautiful light into my dark place. 

I walked into the kitchen before bed and found this random stack of Bible verses that had been cut out three years ago for a lesson i taught in children's church.  I did not put it on the counter, but yet it was there, and it said,


"When I am afraid, I will trust in you."  Psalm 56:3

I walked back to the bedroom and told Michael before I even had a chance to process my thought,

 "I think I am scared."  

I think am very afraid of what is coming in these next few months.  And I think I had been looking at my everyday chaos with my messy ways, and my crazy boys, and I couldn't find one single place in my life that was clear and neat and made sense.  And I wasn't taking the time to look to God. 

So He came and spoke to me. 

This morning, a small group of us began a scripture memorization on Wednesday mornings.  It is at 6:00am, and I could not be more excited about this time.  I actually got up at the right time today - even after accidentally cancelling the snooze.  i was amazingly the second person there  - if you know me, you know that is huge.  We sat down, and after introducing ourselves, Sara says the verse to memorize this week is:

"Have I not commanded you?  Be strong and courageous.  Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go."  Joshua 1:9

I started to cry in that discreet little way that I cry, (but am really holding back a wave of tears because I just met a few of the ladies 5 minutes before this).  How amazing.  Sara had said she looked at lots of verses and prayed a lot about it, and she just felt strongly that this was the verse for us this week.

As if i am not already blown over by how God is literally speaking to me right now - i get to BSF today - with my lesson incomplete, but I am for some reason not even ashamed today.  i just am there, wanting to hear from God.  Here are four of the main, underlined things in my notes from the lecture just a few hours ago from our study in Acts.

1.  God's plan for believers will include hardships - for His glory. 

2.  "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to his purpose."   Romans 8:28

3.  Will you trust God's plan for your life - knowing that it is the best - even if it doesn't look that way to you?

and the last one was just precious to me:

4.  God gives encouragement to His own - in personal ways. 

I feel certain that He is telling me that I am His Own today.  That my prayers are heard, that there is a plan for myself and for our family.   He knows just where we should be this summer and next year and the years after that.  I may not know what that plan is - but I can trust a God who loves me so much that He finds ways to speak directly to me.  Oh what comfort I have today. 

I have still lost my temper with frank's noise and craziness.  I have still not known what it was that was making john cry this morning.  my home has laundry everywhere, and the dish pile is growning in the sink.  But I don't care today. 

I was able to hug frank and kiss him and explain that I was only concerned that he would be hit by a car when he was running through parking lot screaming with a sweatshirt over his face.  I have the love back in me to sit and just rock sweet john until he is tired enough to sleep.  I can face the potty training and the inevitable poop that needs to happen today.  I can do it because God is here.  He hears my thoughts and prayers and longings - even before I myself know what they are. 

Jesus is Good.  really, really good.