coming home

where is it? 

Is it kansas city, where I was born and raised?  where my family lives and loves me?
Is it houston, where we just returned from?  the place where michael and I started our own family.  where we made our way together as a young couple, seeking out God and like minded believers.  where we made our first, F-named babies, and where we asked and started to ask the questions about what kind of work we want to do with our lives?  
Or is home, where I sit right now on the couch in Fayetteville?  the place where I am.  a place where God has reminded me that wherever I am, He is here with me, and that He loves me, and that He is faithful, and He answers my prayers as soon as He hears them. 

In a season of uncertainty about where we will live and where i should sign up my oldest son for little league this summer - I am reminded that my home is not here.  it is not a city, not a house, not even my family.  I will not ever feel truly at home until I reach Zion.  Until I meet my maker face to face - the one who knows the dirtiest parts of me, the one who saw and remembers all, but has the grace and love to forgive me of it all.  He will be there when I arrive.  And though i don't know what kind of reception I will receive - will i fall on my face before Him?  Will He be seated in a holy and amazing throne - so far above me?  Will Jesus be at his side and say, "She's okay, she's with me." ? Or will i come to Zion in tears for all that have missed and messed up, and someone will be there to put their arms around me and tell me it is okay, it is over, and now i am Home.

I am not certain how judgement works.  i am not certain - or even remotely certain about where this home is, or who else will be there.  I don't know what it will look like, but i know it will be perfect.  By the blood of my Lord, it will be perfected.  is that to churchy for you?  well so be it.  Today begins Lent.  and it should not be about me so much during this time, but much more about Him.  So churchy it is today. 

Before he was crucified, Jesus said:

"Do not let your hearts be troubled.  Trust in God; trust also in me.  In my Father's house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you.  I am going there to prepare a place for you.  And if i go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you may be where I am."  John 14:1-3

I don't know much about where my home will be next year.  But I know that there is a home for me in heaven.  It is my Father's house, it has many rooms, and I have a reservation on the guest list. 

********

my dear friend sent me a book of Daily Lenten readings.  It is called, "Show Me the Way" by Henri Nouwen.  A brief biography of him can be found here. 
Today's reading for Ash Wednesday struck me as perfect.  I am not sure about how to approach Lent this year, but I think this is a good place to start. 

"God's mercy is greater than our sins.  There is an awareness of sin that does not lead to God but rather to self-preoccupation.  Our temptation is to be so impressed by our sins and failings and so overwhelmed by our lack of generosity that we get stuck in a paralyzing guilt.  It is the guilt that says: "I am too sinful to deserve God's mercy."  It is the guilt that leads to introspection instead of directing our eyes to God.  It is the guilt that has become an idol and therefore a form of pride.  Lent is the time to break down this idol and to direct our attention to our loving Lord.  The question is:  "are we like Judas, who was so overcome by his sin that he could not believe in God's mercy any longer and hanged himself, or are we like Peter who returned to his Lord with repentance and cried bitterly for his sins?"  The season of Lent, during which winter and spring struggle with each other for dominance, helps us in a special way to cry out for God's mercy."

If you:

1. haven't started watching Downton Abbey yet - what is wrong with you?  get busy.  you can watch it on pbs online to catch up.  it is so wonderful.  even michael likes it. 

2.  haven't watched the show Justified yet - what is taking you so long?  you may have to work to rent the DVDs, but it is so worth it.  so so worth it. we are finishing our last episode of season 2 tonight and i will miss it!

3.  live in houston and would like to get together sometime the weekend of the 18th of Feb. - let me know, we are headed south for a spell.  it will be a short visit, but i would love to see you.  and yes, i mean you - because only a few of you read this, and i know who you are!

4.  are not in houston and need something small from Ikea - let me know.  Small now, for real.  just got the minivan for the trip.   

5.  know how to grow and care for succulents, i need your help.  i have visions of more succulents all over my house, but i don't know where to start.

6.  want another good movie:  Bill Cunningham - New York.  yep, its good. 

7. want to know what I believe to be the best lip balm ever made, it is:

i buy it with my diapers online because i can never find it at Target. 

8.  want to know my favorite body wash, it is:

also purchased online in conjunction with diapers.  it has a lovely smell, i buy it over and over again.

9.  don't care about my toiletries but want to know the answers to bigger issues such as, "Where are you living next year?"  well, you and me both my friends.  

pictures

today i am not feeling great and decided to rest during the little boys nap time.  I have been brought many treasures.

homemade pretzels for the super bowl, thank you will and kelly for inspiring us.  they were so good.  

ford has been missing this orange car since we came home from Christmas.  thank you GoGo and Papa!

things frank learns on a homeschool day

if you swing a sock full of beads at your brother in the morning - the beads will be thrown away.


we go to the library for school.

 

we discuss upon leaving the library:
- what is mama's cell phone number?
- what do you do if you get lost?
- what would you have done if a stranger talked to you while i was in the bathroom?

 

 

during journal time we learned that the sun is really a star and not just the biggest planet.  and that yes, you do need to change that sentence, because it is incorrect to call the sun a planet, and we shouldn't turn in work that we know is incorrect.

then we talk about how all the stars that we see in the sky are really huge like the sun and big planets.  and we discuss the answers to his questions like:

"do aliens exist in other galaxies?"
"has there ever been even just one alien that people know about?"

Later, during lunch we talk about our BSF lesson from last week and he asks me questions like:

"What will happen when Jesus comes back?  Will some people go to heaven and some people go to satan's heaven?" 
"what is hell like?  will the people who like satan, like it there?"

i struggle with the answers. 
then we read the story of Lazarus and the rich man from Luke 16, and look at medival art on the internet based on the story. 

....and then i wonder if i sometimes explain more than i should to a 6 year old boy...

then we jump on the trampoline and count by two's til he jumps to one hundred.

we practice reading a Maurice Sednak book, "Let's be Enemies" without spitting when he gets excited.

he gets out the label maker and attempts to label more and more items in the house. 

before piano we all go for a walk.  frank hides behind bushes, trees and garbage cans so his brother has to look for him as we walk. 

his brother never finds him. 

his brother sings, "Old McDonald" with me but insists that the only animal on Old McDonald's farm is the Cow.

he and his brother practice baseball with his plastic bat and ball.  he has finally found a sport he likes. 

he plays piano, cleans his newly ordered and labeled playroom, eats Curried Carrot Bisque for dinner with minimal complaining, and listens to the mountain of books. 

he wants a story about frank and ford and a red monster with black horns and a blue face before he goes to bed.  i name the monster "Mooki," establish that he is 2 inches tall and lives in "MonsterTown" a city of monsters that frank and ford found through a secret door in the ground in the ditch just beyond our backyard.  (i believe i have borrowed here from both C.S. Lewis and Elmo in Grouchland.)

goodnight sleep tight, see you in the morning light, don't forget to write...

to which ford adds,
"don't forget to eat the poopy."

it was a good day.

for him

dear Michael,

you know that I struggle with jealousy.  Sometimes I will look at another woman's cute hair, or amazing purse when I am trying to worship the Lord on a Sunday morning at church.  I envy other women's success at organizing and cooking.  I envy how some women can speak so sweetly to their children, seemingly at all times.  I often envy what I see other women - particularly Christian, God-fearing women have.  It is wrong, but that's the truth.

But there is one thing that I have never envied - and that is someone else's marriage.

I married my best friend.
what could be better than that?

Has married life always been perfect?  no.  it hasn't.  I have often questioned the Lord and how he designed us.  why would you put two peacemaking procrastinators together?  How was that ever supposed to work?  But perhaps, just perhaps, He knew exactly what we would need to grow us up a little bit.

I look at how we have grown when it comes to conflict.  You have paved the way for me here.  I am such a child so much of the time, pouting in my silence and one word answers when I do not get my way.  but you make me talk before we go to sleep.  You are quick to apologize, and if i have learned to apologize over the years, it is by your good example.

It is by your example that I have learned any self-discipline at all.  I can think back to who I was at 21 years old, and I was a complete mess inside and out.  it was you who set me straight on eating dinner together.  it is you who is able to take on a new habit and then never look back.  when the dentist said you needed to floss - you began flossing that night and haven't quit since.  when your learned about stretching your back before the day begins - you started doing it daily - without fail.  you eat your breakfast and read the Bible every morning.  I am in awe of your discipline.  you have kept me healthy just by my watching you.  You don't try to enforce your ways on me - it just rubs off - though i often wish it would rub off just a little bit more.

when we have a new baby - or when i've been pregnant or just plain overwhelmed, you walk right into the house at night and get to work.  oh wait - that's everynight.
sometimes i marvel.  you rise so early in the morning, work without ceasing during your days, and arrive home to a house in chaos and just start in for another couple of hours of the hardest work there is: dinner/bath/bed.  you make it all seem so easy, and i take it for granted.  and then, after the crazies have all been put to sleep and when I know you probably would just like to go to bed also, you stay up past the point of exhaustion just to sit on the couch and be with me.   

you listen.  you look.  you watch.  you talk.


you make me feel like I am easy to be married to.
 

i love you.  (you can underline that.) 
e

one issue with a blog, especially a very honest blog, is that sometimes - i will write things like the last post.  the writing is cathartic and the sharing feels right to me, but then i forget that after my catharsis, and I am fine and happy with the world, that someone else might be worried that I am remaining in the muck and mire.  so, just wanted you to know that I am doing well and feeling well; I promise.

except for one thing.

i just made a very very very impractical online purchase.  do you ever do that?
It is something that i have wanted for a very long time.  It had free shipping for this week only.  I fell pray to that ridiculous gimmick - again.  I came home today, opened my computer and I had this thought of oh my gosh - what if they stop selling it?  what if i never get it?  what if i don't get what i want?  and i purchased this item before i thought it through.  impetuousness.

after purchasing said item, i did some measuring.

it will not fit in my house. 

hmmmm.

i told my husband.
 he suggested i cancel the order.

i have attempted to do that, but was told that it was too late, and will instead just have to refuse the delivery.

hmmmmm.

im·pet·u·ous/imˈpeCHo͞oəs/

Adjective:

Acting or done quickly and without thought or care; impulsive. Moving forcefully or rapidly: "an impetuous flow of water

here is where i should write something beautiful and deep and theological about sin and how sometimes our desires come upon us so forcefully - like rushing rapids of water.  then i would write about eve and how she must have just felt overwhelmed in the garden with the desire to eat the fruit - to get what she wanted, before the opportunity was gone.

but i am hungry for lunch now.

i will think about these things, but i don't feel like writing about them.  maybe you can connect the dots for me. 
Do i need a savior who will help me return a gigantic Rocky Mountain wall mural, and at the same time help me as i work through my guilt?  Do i need to ask him to help keep me from doing things like this again?yes, yes, yes i do. 

good thing i have one. 

i love you, Jesus. 

He is trying to tell me something

Monday and tuesday might just have been two of the worst days put together that I have had in ages.  not because anything went wrong.  i have had plenty of rough days in recent history, and that is not what i am talking about.  I am talking about seriously dark, yucky, weird stuff.  Feelings of panic, and feeling unable to cope with my home and my kids kind of stuff.  feeling like those people look on the "depression hurts" commercials. 

last night, however, God was good - and He shone His beautiful light into my dark place. 

I walked into the kitchen before bed and found this random stack of Bible verses that had been cut out three years ago for a lesson i taught in children's church.  I did not put it on the counter, but yet it was there, and it said,


"When I am afraid, I will trust in you."  Psalm 56:3

I walked back to the bedroom and told Michael before I even had a chance to process my thought,

 "I think I am scared."  

I think am very afraid of what is coming in these next few months.  And I think I had been looking at my everyday chaos with my messy ways, and my crazy boys, and I couldn't find one single place in my life that was clear and neat and made sense.  And I wasn't taking the time to look to God. 

So He came and spoke to me. 

This morning, a small group of us began a scripture memorization on Wednesday mornings.  It is at 6:00am, and I could not be more excited about this time.  I actually got up at the right time today - even after accidentally cancelling the snooze.  i was amazingly the second person there  - if you know me, you know that is huge.  We sat down, and after introducing ourselves, Sara says the verse to memorize this week is:

"Have I not commanded you?  Be strong and courageous.  Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go."  Joshua 1:9

I started to cry in that discreet little way that I cry, (but am really holding back a wave of tears because I just met a few of the ladies 5 minutes before this).  How amazing.  Sara had said she looked at lots of verses and prayed a lot about it, and she just felt strongly that this was the verse for us this week.

As if i am not already blown over by how God is literally speaking to me right now - i get to BSF today - with my lesson incomplete, but I am for some reason not even ashamed today.  i just am there, wanting to hear from God.  Here are four of the main, underlined things in my notes from the lecture just a few hours ago from our study in Acts.

1.  God's plan for believers will include hardships - for His glory. 

2.  "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to his purpose."   Romans 8:28

3.  Will you trust God's plan for your life - knowing that it is the best - even if it doesn't look that way to you?

and the last one was just precious to me:

4.  God gives encouragement to His own - in personal ways. 

I feel certain that He is telling me that I am His Own today.  That my prayers are heard, that there is a plan for myself and for our family.   He knows just where we should be this summer and next year and the years after that.  I may not know what that plan is - but I can trust a God who loves me so much that He finds ways to speak directly to me.  Oh what comfort I have today. 

I have still lost my temper with frank's noise and craziness.  I have still not known what it was that was making john cry this morning.  my home has laundry everywhere, and the dish pile is growning in the sink.  But I don't care today. 

I was able to hug frank and kiss him and explain that I was only concerned that he would be hit by a car when he was running through parking lot screaming with a sweatshirt over his face.  I have the love back in me to sit and just rock sweet john until he is tired enough to sleep.  I can face the potty training and the inevitable poop that needs to happen today.  I can do it because God is here.  He hears my thoughts and prayers and longings - even before I myself know what they are. 

Jesus is Good.  really, really good.   

today was not one of my shining moments. 

all that beautiful, post holiday ambition of being intentional with my kids was eaten by the giant monster pile of laundry.  it was beaten down by my lack of arms that are full of homeschooling papers, a wiggly baby that wants to crawl and a three year old who has to sit on the potty but cannot yet unsnap the little skinny jeans his dad bought for him. 

my lofty goals of waking up early were squashed at 4:50 when i returned to my room from my early morning meeting with my youngest son.  as i walked past the alarm clock set for 5:45am, i thought, "nope" and switched it off as i passed by. 

i yelled - well, maybe i didn't yell - but i spoke in a most unloving tone to the pediatrician's office that has a horrible scheduling system. 

i asked my oldest son to stop talking at least 15 times today. 

I called mother's day out and asked them to keep my second born son just a few hours longer so my youngest son could finish his nap. 

I hid in that strange cyber alternate universe that has become a bizarre mental escape for me when i want to check out of the world around me.  i told my son i needed an hour of quiet so i could do my Bible study - i believe i spent 45 min. on the computer, 10 min. changing my outfit because i was grossed out by what i was wearing, and 5 min. actually looking at the Bible.

i tried to redeem the day with a trip to the bakery and then the park.  my precious ford had mananged to keep his underwear dry throughout the entire past 2 days - including during naps.  I held him - hovering over the toilet at the bakery because he was too afraid to sit on it and too short to get his business up over the edge.  I held him - hovering over that toilet for at least 2 minutes - just waiting there for the trickle to come.  finally it came.  it was precious.  perhaps the highlight of my day.  our first urination in a public place.  high 5!  good job bud, let's go to the park.

sitting on a bench at the park, enjoying the abnormally warm sun - attempting to keep the sleepy baby happy.  i watch ford play.  i listen to frank play.  and I almost begin to relax, and then i see it.  The look.

it is the look of ford, wandering to a secluded spot - pooping in his pants. 
i guess you don't know not to do it, until you do it. 

thank goodness for those free park provided dog-intended pooper-scooper bags.  those are heavy duty.  I initally put the bag in the van - thinking that i could perhaps salvage the brand new, first time worn batman underwear.  but as i drove, i thought, nope.  i just gotta let this one go. 


i think that is how today feels. 
i just gotta let this one go. 

i am indulging myself this weekend.  it is the first weekend that i can remember us having absolutely nothing planned.  It feels good.  i am sitting under a blanket right now.  frank is nearby asking questions and talking continuously as i write.  all feels right and good.
Yesterday, i went to a coffee shop by myself and had an amazing quiet time and read my new book.  it was So good.  so amazingly good.  Even just a few hours alone seemed to reset my clock and make me like and appreciate all these boys so much more.  michael told me to do it every weekend if i need to.  he was building a Lego podracer with frank when i came home, and the little boys were asleep.  he is a good man.

major milestones occurred this weekend.  It feels like we just needed some quiet time with our boys to really relax and just be with them.  

1. Frank Put on, Tightened, and Tied his own shoes for the first time.  praise the Lord.  i think we will be a new family.  it has been a struggle with the shoes and laces this year.  i have lost my temper over those stupid shoes more than i can even admit to.  one shoe struggle actually led to one of the sweetest moments between frank and I this year.  i flipped out after about the 4th time trying to get his shoe on and him wiggling and moving and in general paying no attention to the process.  I believe I yelled at him so badly that he might have cried.  we were late for basketball lessons.  and I looked at his sweet little face, and i just sat on the floor next to him by my closet, and I apologized.  I explained that I absolutely do not want to yell at him about his shoes, but that sometimes i just make mistakes.  I know it isn't his fault he has cheap shoes that don't go on well.  But sometimes I do things I don't want to do.  I explained how Paul says in the Bible that sometimes he even didn't do the things he wanted to do, but instead would find himself doing things he didn't want to do.

then, frank looked at me with the sweetest most understanding expression on his face and said, "did Paul have a son that couldn't put his shoes on, too?"

2.   Fordy learns to use the potty.  Hallelujah.
He has avoided this for a long time.  i have avoided this for a long time.
Using the potty is so much more labor intensive for all of us.  but it is Time.  we ran out of diapers.

Last night, we filled him full of juice, water, and even a cup of Coke - because I have learned that a half a cup of coke is about equivalent to a cup of gold to my boys.  they have only had a Coke about 3 times and they are crazy about it.  He sat with me in his new batman underwear in his room while i read him books.  He came with me to the kitchen and watched a video on the computer in his underwear - drinking juice while i cooked dinner.  We all went to the family room after dinner.  we brought the potty and finally he couldn't hold it any longer and came running to us saying he needed to peepee.  it was wonderful.  his smile was so big after it was over.  michael came running in from the kitchen and we all cheered.  he did it three more times last night - he got bowls full of m&m's.  he is so proud. 

he also learned how to pedal his tricycle yesterday.  he has refused to learn this skill as well, but he got it quickly when michael taught him.  oh how i love that stubborn sweet boy.

3.  just shy of seven months old, John is finally Eating rice cereal, and he is also officially Crawling.  yesterday we decided it was for sure when he got up on his knees and crawled straight over to my shoe.  michael and I just stood there, looking down at him on the kitchen rug and said, "i guess that's it."

here is a video from last week, when he was still practicing.  please ignore my annoying voice.

my aunt betsy called john our, "Joy Boy."  i believe that's it.  he is pure joy wrapped up in all that Michael-looking-goodness, covered in a head of crazy brown hair.  he loves everything and just about every person that he sees.  he is perfect - minus the sleeping - but that is my own doing - not his.


i am a woman blessed beyond measure.  we may have a very uncertain future at this time in regards to where we will live next year and what we will be doing, but i am at peace, and not at all uncertain about the richness of my life.
A strange older man at the coffee shop asked me yesterday if I "worked around here?"  i just smiled and said, "well, i have three little boys."  some days it feels like work, some days it feels like pleasure,  but always i am thankful. 

we went to Crystal Bridges on new year's day with our friends visiting from houston.  yes.  that means we took 6 boys ages 6 and under to a fine art museum.
with only 4 adults.
surprisingly, it went beautifully.  the boys actually enjoyed the art, and submitted for the most part to holding our hands and not running around.  that is - until we entered the modern art exhibit.  michael and i decided to take a picture of Andy Warhol's Dolly Parton to send to my friend Taryn, who is newly related to Ms. Parton by a family marriage.  In so doing we briefly let go of our sons' hands.  less than one minute later we turn to say, "Where is ford?"

and there he was - both hands rubbing down the Lichtenstein.

 isn't that grand?

what is worthy?

what do i want to say?

what is there to say?

it is a new year.  i am never inspired to have new year's resolutions.  i think they are lame because if i wanted to change something - i should just change it, why does it have to start on jan. 1st?

however, i can say that I am refreshed after a full and wonderful break to start back into the semester with new energy.  I thought a great deal about homeschooling and parenting over the break.  perhaps I just needed a break from the homeschooling and parenting to get some perspective on how I live my days.

i plan to be more intentional this year.

that's it.  I want to plan things and carry them out for my kids.  I had this great epiphany a few days ago.  If i want my kids to learn something or appreciate something - i have to be the one to teach it.  No one else is responsible for their knowledge or values.  just me and him.  that is why they have been entrusted to us for these few years that they are in our home under our care.

Today as I cleaned, i watched a documentary on the Rockefellers.  the first 3 generations of Rockefellers were trained devoutly to be generous.  They were taught that if you had any money at all - you must give some away.  Wealth obtained wasn't meant just for our own pleasure, but to be used to better the lives of others.  that was part of their family values.  and it stuck.  i am thinking a great deal about just what are the most important things I teach and really stress to my boys.  What are the things that God wants me to stress more?

it is a humbling thing - thinking about the lives of three young men.  they are being molded and trained by us - just michael and erin - two kids who fell hard in love at a rehearsal dinner.  And now we are responsible for praying for and guiding these boys into men.  What is important?  what is lasting?  what matters?  There are many good things to teach your children, but what is Great?  what is worthy?

the days are so short.  john is already six months old and I feel certain he was just a newborn last week.  frank is halfway through kindergarten.  you know that is just the gateway to elementary school - which just leads to middle school - which is thankfully over quickly and then you have a boy driving himself to high school before you even know it, and then he will be gone.  out of my reach.
which of my words and phrases will ring in his mind as he goes about his adult life?

I know there will be some not so good parts of me that will stay with him, but I am praying now that I can be used to bring about some health and love for God and others as he grows.

I hear my old Pastor Rufus in my head all the time.  he says, "More is caught than taught."  He also said something cute with alliteration to remind me that repetition is effective with kids (i guess he didn't repeat that saying enough though). 



I have no concluding thoughts here.  my mind has wandered off into Bible verses to memorize, and then into how come i don't just blog about recipes and funny stories anymore?  i used to be cute and fun on this blog.  maybe that will come back one day.  for now i will remain your serious, downer friend who watches too many pbs documentaries and listens to too much NPR, and wants to go get coffee all the time but feels guilty for paying that much money for coffee, but not guilty enough because i still leave my kids in my minivan so i can run in and order my nonfat latte with extra foam - because places in fayetteville refuse to make a medium sized cappuchino - and no one will build a stinkin drive thru.


here are some photos just for fun

bad, frizzy hair day.  3 bale cotton

light of the ozarks.  ford wanders off shortly after this photo - giving us just another heart attack.

 last weekend with the Germans.  so wonderful. 

almost there

we are about halfway through the yearly holiday crazies at the Calloway house.

halloween.  done.

frank's 6th birthday.  done.

crystal bridges opening cocktail party.  done.

now i can finally eat some halloween candy.  

i admit now that i am having a volume problem.  my sister helped me identify this when she was here last.  i am not a terrible mom.  i am far from the best, but i know i am not the worst.  i try to play with my kids.  i take them places, i talk to them.  i make them bored until they come up with creative solutions to entertain themselves - thus stimulating their imaginations and eventually creating the geniuses that will have to take care of me in my old age.

but right now, i am having a volume problem.  when i have just a 6 year old and we are doing homeschooling and legos and practicing our tennis - i am great.  when i am chillin' with the two year old - building train tracks and counting "moneys" and looking at rocks and changing diapers - i am at my best.  when i am cuddling a sweet 5 month old and nursing him and praying over his sweet head and laying on the floor next to him - i am at total contentment.  But.  when they are all together, i feel that i am always neglecting one or another or my husband, or my home or my responsibilites in the greater world.  i am not a good multi-tasker.  i am later than ever these days.  i am actually, legitimately forgetting to attend things.  i am a terrible volunteer at school.  i cannot physically do and be all the places that i want to be.  it is a volume problem.

so i wonder.  is this the Lord teaching me to prioritize?  once i contacted an old friend on fb.  it was just before Ford was born.  I asked her if it was hard to have 2 boys.  She is also a mother of 2 boys and a nurse.  She said, "You'll be great, don't worry.  You're a nurse, just use those prioritizing skills from nursing and put them into practice in your family. "(or at least it was something like that - i can't remember the exact way she said it and i hate to put quotes around something that I am not certain is correct)

but the issue is that as a nurse, i stunk at prioritizing.  you can ask my friends.  they all said I was a good nurse and they would have me as their nurse, but why was I so slow???

I am slow, and relationally driven.  this is why in the last week I have a) forgotten picture day for frank.  b) forgotten about a play I purchased tickets to at the beginning of the year, and c) arrived at frank's school this morning to see that he did not bring his backpack in the car.  (that would be no big deal if his school wasn't 25 minutes away.)  

I am working on my calendar, I am trying to plan better, but this morning I remembered that I just need to ask the Lord for help.  As soon as I did, I felt better.  I am asking for Him to make me more alert and to remind me of all the things I am balancing at once, and to handle them with love whether or not they are done in the way I had imagined.

Frank was devastated when he arrived at school without his backpack.  The first thing that happened was a cool 2nd grader said, "Hi Frank!  Where's your backpack?"
 After we spoke to the teacher, and John's diaper leaked through during that conversation, I knelt down and said, "Frank, its no big deal.  I will get you some lunch, Mrs. Brown is fine, and you will be fine today.  if anyone else asks you where is your backpack, just say you don't have it today.  no big deal."

I am going to try to take my own advice, but dangit if i don't sometimes wish I was a type A person.

sidenote:  i would love to post photos of the many awesome events from this past month.  but i can't find my camera cord....  hilarious.

things ford says at 2 years and 10 months old

skadetti   =   spaghetti (which he hates)

buzz a bobo =  bulldozer  (which he loves)

pa mean o  = I have no idea, but this is what he called the eggplant parmesan for dinner tonight.

daily sayings:

"Mama, I gotta get my Bobby Doggie"


"Mama, can I have a dwink?"

"Mama, I gotta get outta here."


"Mama, can i get a li'l coffee pweeze?"

"Fwank, stop it Fwank!"

"Whas baby john? Baby john is c-whying?  I didn't wake him up, Mama."

while i am not sleeping

today in the car on the way to tennis lessons (not mine), I was changing out the cd in the cd player, and between cds, the radio came on.  it came on to the christian talk radio station 91.3 at exactly the beginning of what I thought was a sermon.  It was clearly and african-american pastor, and as I deeply miss my home church and my favorite african-american Pastor, I stopped to listen.  What I heard was one of those move you to the core of your being sermons.  It was a man, the Reverend E.V. Hill giving a sermon at his wife's funeral.  I am putting a link to that broadcast here.  Not to be depressing, but to be inspiring.  His wife inspired me.  His faith inspired me.  Everything about it touched me.

So, if you are like me, and are always looking for things to listen to or watch while you do dishes and laundry and stuff, you will not regret listening to this.  You can listen to that when the kids are busy doing something else.  Actually all the boys listened to it with me, and frank talked about it later.  He didn't really know what it was all about, but he brought up 3 different parts of the story, and had heard every word.  they are watching everything we do...

 *****

And.  while i am talking about the things that I watch and listen to, here are some of my favorites from the past year.  You probably already saw them all, but just in case:

1.  Downton Abbey.  7 part mini-series for PBS Masterpiece Classics.  Oh yes, I am that nerdy, but when i saw it won all those Emmys, I checked it out.  So good.  you can stream it on Netflix or watch the first episode on PBS.org.  Apparently Season 2 begins in january.  it is worth your time if you like the A and E Pride and Prejudice.   

2.  Justified.  I have only seen season 1, but I love it.  I have a not-so-secret crush on Timothy Olyphant ever since my dirty favorite show, Deadwood.  And in this show, he does not disappoint.  He is even cuter without that ugly mustache from Deadwood.  and the other characters in this show are great as well. 

3.  Damages.  another FX show.  you can also stream this one on Netflix.  Glenn Close stars, and we were hooked pretty quick.  the second season wasn't quite as good as the first, but it got better.  now we are starting the third season, and I am hopeful.

4.  the Lincoln Lawyer.  i liked this movie.  first time I ever like Matthew Mchonaey (i don't know how to spell it, and i refuse to look it up)

5.  A Perfect Getaway.  not the greatest movie, but it kept us awake and entertained.  michael got it for me on a Friday night.  turned out it had Timothy Olyphant in it.  (He is also strangely in the second season of Damages.  it is weird how he keeps turning up in this list.)

6.  Biutiful.  i watched this one by myself.  it is very long.  took me a few days.  it is heavy and i did some crying if i remember correctly, but it was worth it to see Javier Bardem's acting.  save it for your rainy day blues. 

7.  American Experience: Lewis and Clark.  this may be my favorite.  it was 3 hours that made me feel proud to be an american.  so cheesy sounding, but it was so good.  the older i get, the more history i want to learn.

8.  Kill the Irishman.  a movie about a true story.  its got an irsh man.  i can't tell you much more than that, but it was good.  

i also liked Source Code and Cedar Rapids, and the Kennedys.  they were enjoyable movies.

Do you wonder when i have time to watch these things?  I don't know the answer, but we still only have about 5 tv channels and I like to stay up late.  so I watch my computer when i am exhausted and brain-dead, or doing dishes slowly while the boys are sitting on each other outside on the trampoline.

saving it all

i have no memory.  that is why i believe I could never become a good writer or storyteller.  I cannot remember the funny things that people say or the place and time where meaningful things happen.  Along with being able to sing and play an instrument, this is one of those qualities I wish that I could convince God to change in me.  But so be it for now.  That is probably why He gave me Frank.  He remembers everything.  (for example, he drew this picture at school this week from memory for ford:  how can he remember in such detail)?

{note: take photo, upload photo, then post picture of that photo here}

I have a memory for ridiculous pieces of information that no one cares about.  i can remember exact details of stories I hear about people, I just can't remember the names of the people or where those stories take place.  I can remember smells and weather and the way I used to feel when I play an old album that I played all the time in college.  but its the details that escape me.  That is why blogging was so good for me.  its like a time capsule. 

This week, i had a few things i didn't want to forget.

On wednesday, after frank and i did school together, i threw the tennis ball at his racket a few times, but when we were done, I explained that I would need to go inside for my exercise time with Jillian.

that is, Jillian Michaels, my new exercise buddy who is going to help me lose these last ten pounds and strange knee cellulite that I did not know existed until after having a third baby.  Frank asked if he could exercise with me, and of course I said yes, because after all, homeschooling might as well include PE, and i thought having frank there would make it more fun for me.  frank makes most everything fun.  that's just the way he is.
So we were doing jabs and punches and squats and kicks and Jillian is talking to us, telling us that we need to "make it count", and not to "phone it in," and she is saying "nice job," and frank stops and says:



"Can she really see us?"

and i said: "What do you think?  Do you think she can see us?"

and frank says: "No.  I don't think she can see us, because if she could see me, she would really say, "Um.. I don't think you are doing that right.""

ford's first day of school

 I picked up Ford from mother's day out yesterday.  On thursdays, i let him stay through nap time so as to maximize my thursday time with john (and to be honest - to have just 5 hours of peace and quietness in my week).
As usual, Ford opted not to sleep during his 1 1/2 hours nap time at school.  I don't believe he disrupts the other children, because they have not told me that I have to take him home during this time, but he certainly has not ever taken a nap this year.   As I walked in the dark room yesterday, he immediately bolts up and off of his cot and runs at me.  I ask if he napped, knowing the answer already, and Ms. Heather, his teacher, informs me that he did not.  and ford tells me that he was talking to Bobby Doggie.  and I sigh and say, "oh dear, Fordy."  and he looks at me and pats me on the back and says, "oh dear, Mama." 


Ford really got going with his talking about 6 months ago.  and now he is unstoppable.  he is one of those kids who decides to wait to actually talk until they can speak entire sentences.  and every day I am amazed at what he says and how he says it, and the fact that he actually knows so much more than he ever lets onto.  Ford is, however, too funny to put into words on a blog.  It is more about how he says things than the what he says.  That is why we are trying to get him on video more.  whenever I get organized, i will put a video {   here    }.
Today, a little girl asked him what his name was.  He said, holding up 3 fingers, "i'm two..... and i have blue eyes."  he also started calling everyone "doodyhead" or "boobyhead" or "noodyhead" this week.    this is proving to be a hard habit to break.  If he calls you doodyhead, please don't hold it against him.  forgive us, and know that we are working on it.


john today is 4 months and one day old.  He is one of the greatest gifts I have ever been given.
he laughs out loud.  he is patient with me.  he smiles at everyone he meets.  the only times he cries are when he is overtired, or if someone yells - i can tell he is a peacemaker - he doesn't like it when we are yelling at the other boys.  he is pure joy.  the last two nights he has even blessed me with sleeping through the night again (though, truthfully, I have a sneaking fear that something happened with the monitor that first night, and that perhaps I just did not hear him waking up) but regardless of the reason - he is sleeping, i am so very grateful.

John is my best little buddy.  I know that other women have said it so much more elegantly, but I wish I could describe in words, our special bond.  it is beautiful.  when your babies are still babies, there is nothing like it.  no one can love them like you, and likewise, I am sure that no one has more power than a mama has over her baby.  I don't mean that in a crude awful sort of way, but in a way that fills me with such awe and reverence for my job.

i look at this sweet little man, and i see that every part of who he is - is here because of me.  every centimeter that he grows (forgive my bluntness here) is from the food that goes into my body and then back out to him.  everything that he learns or does not learn at this young age is due to the environment that I put him in.  he learns to smile because we smile at him.  He learns to love because he is loved.  my role in his life is huge right now.
I wish sometimes I could go back and do it all over again with frank.  I wouldn't change one single thing about frank, but just about how I was as a new mom.  i was so nervous and scared to spoil him.  I did not understand almost 6 years ago, that you truly cannot spoil a baby.  all that they need is spoiling and cuddling and smiling and loving.  oh it is curious.  when i had only one baby, and plenty of time to do all that spoiling, i didn't understand how precious that time was.  now that I finally understand, i am so busy that there is not enough time in the day or energy in my body to give all that i want to give to these little men.

yesterday, I was shopping for a dress for the museum opening cocktail party.  a party of whose caliber I have never before, nor likely am ever to be invited to again.  I made friends with an older, not old, but more mature woman who said she has three children, the oldest of which is 21, the middle, 18, and the youngest is 16.  Same age differences as my boys.  she said if she could stop the clock and turn it back to when they were this age, she would do it in a second.  precious.  this time is precious.  how foolish I would be to ever take it for granted.  I feel like it will be gone before i even begin to know what I am doing.